I felt it again last night, sneaking around the periphery of my awareness. That hollow emptiness. That gaping void. That emotional flatline that signals the potential for a visit from The Big D. I knew it was there. I saw it, and more true even than that – I felt it…. or rather I perceived the lack of anything else. It’s hard to describe with words, but the feeling is unmistakable once it’s been part of your experience a time or two.
As has been the case in the past, I wasn’t quite sure what to do with this awareness. Admittedly, I wallowed in it for a bit. Feeling flat. Empty. Just… nothing much of anything.
Then Mama called me, so I poured myself a glass of blueberry wine and went outside to sit with her in all her breezy glory. We still haven’t gotten the back porch screened in, so I don’t often sit outside at night – just not super interested in offering myself up as a feast for all the insects that Mama also calls out to at night… But with Hurricane Michael in The Gulf, and breezes further inland as strong as they were… I didn’t figure I’d have to worry too much about it. I was right. I got to sit with Mama and feel the breeze and drink my wine and listen to music and….
And I could feel myself unfurling, just a bit.
Photo by Fadi Xd on Unsplash
“In the end you have only your heart to answer to. What will it say to you at the end of days? That you lived in the shadow of someone else’s inquiry or that you lived in the light of your own?”
I came across that quote from a FaceBook post, and just loved it. It feels like it fits neatly with what’s been so strongly on my mind lately. Both the idea of listening to our own hearts rather than what society tells us we should do (be / want / have / etc..)… and also this idea of answering to someone, or something, about the choices we ultimately do make.
I keep circling back around to this feeling that everything in this post is tied together…
The emptiness, and the listening to heart. There’s a decision coming, I know (and have known for some time). I hope that I’m willing and able to listen in the most helpful direction when I make that decision.